Wow, another message from Mish. Today has brought tears. I thought I was okay with some of the things, but then I read a very moving post by one of the 30+ girls which hit home. I am still carrying excess baggage around with me. I got very emotional, felt sick/empty in my stomach at the end so maybe, just maybe, this is one of the things I needed to get out of me. I've put other things in here but there was just something I had to put there.
Yes, I admit it. I LOVE MY MUM, but I at times hate her too. Is this normal? Maybe! The incident I recalled when responding to the post which had me bawling my eyes out was when I was around 3 or 4 years old, my older sisters and I had obviously been naughty. My mother got hold of a suitcase and went to the door saying she was leaving and wouldn't be coming back until we all behaved better. I still remember this clearly so obviously it was festering. I remember I was crying and saying I'd be good. Another more recent memory was in 1990, we had my husband's sister and OH visiting us from overseas. My parents were also living with us at that time so we had a lot of socialising between all of us. I am not, and never have been, a heavy drinker. Each night everyone else would get "merry" and I would enjoy my time with them too but without drinking alcohol. At this time I was around 80kg (still heavy by about 20kg but meh I could live with that). One night they had all been having a ball, drinking and carrying on, I'd been making sure the kids were asleep and cleaning tidying up from the meal earlier, then I went to join in with them. Out of the blue my mother said to me (and denied it ever since by the way, but my OH heard and remembers too), oh yes Gail, I never wanted you, I tried to get rid of you and I still don't want you. My dad tried to stop her but she went on. My OH's sister and OH didn't fully understand what was said as English is their 2nd language her OH understood more and tried to make light of things and get things smooth again as they could feel something wasn't right. I said I'll leave you all to it, goodnight, and went to bed crying my eyes out and my OH came through to comfort me, knowing just how hard the kick in the guts had been for me. I'd opened my heart and house to my family and got that in return. Makes one wonder just how worthy one is.
I have forgiven her, many years ago, for both of these, but obviously they were still festering. Hopefully now I've lanced them so they can now drain the poison away and heal cleanly.
I no longer thought I was worth doing/being/having the nice things ... my own children don't remember even a card or phone call for my birthday and they're adults now.
I think this is why I've piled on the extra 30+ kgs even when I've tried to lose (was up to 95kg 11 years ago and lost 15 to 18kg but couldn't maintain as didn't learn how to eat right for life) and now I had (at the start of this) 52kg to lose, now only 48.1kg to get rid of.
However, now with the 12wbt I am finding that I truly AM worth being well looked after. I am going to arrange for a facial for some time this week as I do deserve it. I am not going to look at the $$'s but am just going to do it!!!!!
Okay, enough blubbering away for now. Time to go get myself moving for the day. Oh, Yes, today I have my 2nd road cycling class and am looking forward to it. I have my bike, I got a bike rack as that was easier than putting my bike in the back of my car all the time, I have my helmet and water bottle. I also have the right 3/4 length pants and a nice airy top but also a vest to keep the chill off the tummy and also to hold things like my keys and a coin purse, lol :D . Will catch up later.
Sorry if this doesn't read smoothly but just putting it all down is helping I think.
Okay, doing better this afternoon/evening. Went for my road cycling course (last session) and we did 8.3km and I used 418 kcal (hopefully this means just calories, lol). Time to finish things off here for the weekend. Talk more later :D ciao
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