Oh My, Task 2 is not an easy one at all. I've had to search deep within myself to find the REAL reason why I make excuses to stay fat and frumpy, why I rarely use makeup etc.
It's not an easy thing to put in writing, particularly in here, but here goes. I feel if I'm fat and unattractive I will not have people "hitting" on me (not that likely now anyway due to my age hahaha).
It started when I was nearly 10 when I was interfered with, even now I have that incident in my head and need to REMOVE IT!
Then there was the time when I was engaged to my now husband and was asked out by someone who stopped me in the street (not so bad as they accepted I wasn't interested).
But then I was just pregnant with our first child and he was telling me to leave my husband, my husband was not good for me etc etc etc he would not take NO for an answer, in the end I left that area of my work (due to my pregnancy) so didn't have this every day for hours.
During that pregnancy I more than doubled my weight, and have yet to get back even within cooee of it.
Since then I've been the joker the one with all the laughs all the time, even when I feel like crap and want to bawl my eyes out. I've had a lot of snide comments over the years about my size so am VERY self conscious of my size but have tried to believe I was happy with my size and have made friends/family think I am happy with this weight ... I AM NOT HAPPY WITH MY SIZE OR WEIGHT!!!!
I am now taking back control of my life. I am NOT going to let circumstances or other people dictate what my weight/size will be unless it is in line with what I want!! I am not expecting to get back to the weight I was (around 48 to 50kg) as that would, in my eyes, be unrealistic at this stage. I am however going to get back to 60kg, which means I will be losing 52kg from my original starting weight, although I have managed to remove 3.1kg for the start of pre-season (and this was with using Mish's recipes for ONE meal per day, 2 or 3 times per week for 4 weeks).
I don't feel I can put all this anywhere in the forums so am putting this here where I can easily find things and add to it as I come across more.
OMG this has made me feel sick/empty in my stomach but in a "good" way, strange but I know what I mean. I know that I WILL ACHIEVE MY GOALS. I have 1.9kg to my first mini goal (5kg) when I will go for a facial. I will do this BEFORE the start of Round 3, 2011. In fact, I have decided that I will have removed that 5kg by next week's weigh in day (Wednesday), that gives me FIVE DAYS to WORK MY BUTT OFF and keep my PORTION SIZE & EATING UNDER CONTROL. I will also DRINK 3L OF WATER PER DAY over and above any other tea/coffee. I will minimise my coffee intake ... made it yesterday with a total of four cups of coffee (down from 8). I'm not worried with my tea as this is herbal, no-caffeine the only thing is I still need a little sweetening of this, I use half a teaspoon of honey usually and I'm counting the calories of this in my daily allowance. Mind you I also usually have 4 or 5 cups throughout the working day (I generally drink tea at work and coffee at home). Coffee is usually black with no sugar or other sweetener (yuck can't stand this in coffee), however I have been known to have the occasional cappacino (?sp?) or hot chocolate. But no more than ONE a week now (used to have one per day).
Phew!! What a catharsis this has been. I feel empowered and ready to tackle anything that's thrown my way right now. I'm starting to feel a bit better about myself as I have committed to getting the real me back and I am determined to find me again.
No comments:
Post a Comment